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ASK UNCLE FUNGUS: BRILLIANT ADVICE FOR THE HOPELESS
CHAPTER 1
54' 40'' OR FUNGUS
Dear Uncle Fungus,
I have a five dollar bet with a friend that only you can
settle. I say you make up the letters in your column, and he
says they're real. Who's right?
Figment
Dear Moron,
What do you think? O.K., I make them up. You win the five
dollars.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
I have an etiquette problem for you. I was at a party in my
college dormitory and I totally embarrassed myself. We were
sitting around a table talking when I put my glass down without
using the coaster. I was SO humiliated. The hostess said it
didn't really matter and that she wouldn't have noticed if I
hadn't pointed it out. I know she was just trying to make me
feel better. If this happens again, what is the proper thing to
do?
Perfect Paula
Dear Perfect,
The only thing to do in that situation is to go to the
window, open it as far as you can, and plunge screaming to your
death. Don't forget to leave ten dollars for the dormitory
screen removal fine.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
Boy-oh-boy do I have a problem. Two years ago I met and
fell in love with a woman and we moved in together. Even though
my job forced me to spend every second week in another city,
everything was fine.
Then one day while in the other city, I met another woman.
ASK UNCLE FUNGUS/Reitci Page 2
One thing led to another and I moved in with her, too. Now I
commute between two cities and two women. Since I'm not married,
I'm not an adulterer or a bigamist. What would you call me?
Bill the Guy
Dear Guy,
I'd call you lucky.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
I've got a real problem with my roommate. He loves to
sharpen knives at night. All night long it's scrape, scrape,
scrape. Sometimes it gets so loud I can't sleep. When I ask him
what he's doing, he laughs in a high-pitched voice and says,
"You'll find out soon. Very, very soon." Then he crawls under
his bed and drools. Should I move out, or am I just being too
fussy?
Dorm Room Sleeper
Dear Sleeper,
I don't think you should move out. Living with a roommate
consists of understanding and compromise. Be patient with him.
If you give it half a chance, you two could become lifelong
friends. Then again, he could be a homicidal maniac who wants to
slice and dice you. Wait and see.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
When I was younger, so much younger than today, I never
needed anybody's help in any way. But now those days are gone,
I'm not so self-assured. Now I find I've changed my mind and
opened up the door. Help me if you can, I'm feeling down.
Disturbed Judy
Hey Judy,
You have already taken the first step by coming out of your
shell and admitting you need help. I suggest you seek
counselling for your depression. Try listening to music. It'll
get your mind off your problems.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
There are so many injustices in the world. Even though I'm
only in college, I want to do something about world hunger,
crime, and the homeless. If we all pitch in together, I know our
world can become a beautiful place to live in. Could you suggest
an organization for me to join?
Helpful Hank
Dear Helpful,
Freshman, right? You're experiencing a feeling common to
ASK UNCLE FUNGUS/Reitci Page 3
new students. Soon you'll forget about all the suffering in the
world. There's nothing like a good dose of final exams to teach
you to be scornful, cynical, and generally self-serving like a
normal college student. Write me again next semester.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
I'm not at all popular. Could you tell me how you became
such a wonderful and highly respected person? The few friends I
do have say you're "just one heck of a guy." My hope is to adopt
some of your fine qualities and become as well-liked as you.
The Loneliest Guy
Dear Loneliest,
People take a lichen to me because I'm a fungi.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
Ordinarily, I'm not a jealous person. But lately, I've
begun to suspect my girlfriend of cheating on me. Last week I
dropped in on her unexpectedly and found a guy taking a shower in
her bathroom. She claimed her neighbors were having trouble with
their plumbing and hers is the nearest working bathroom. What
really bothers me is that her nearest neighbor is five miles
away.
I don't know what to think. One friend laughed and said she
was "very, very nice," and another friend told me she was a
nymphomaniac. What should I do?
Lost In Love
Dear Lost,
It's vitally important for her to openly discuss the
situation with someone who is experienced in these kinds of
things. Send her over to my place around eight o'clock on
Saturday. I'd be glad to help her with her problem.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
A couple of friends and I were talking about disasters when
we realized it would be a good idea to write to you. Have you
been ever involved in one? We know you've had a lot of
experiences, so you must have been involved in at least one. Did
anyone die?
Morbid Guys
Dear Guys,
As a matter of fact, I was. Years ago I worked at a company
that made correction fluid. An old storage tank exploded and a
tidal wave of correction fluid swept through the plant. But we
were never sure how many people died, because the bodies tended
to blend into the walls.
ASK UNCLE FUNGUS/Reitci Page 4
Dear Uncle Fungus,
My cat just gave birth to a litter of fifteen kittens.
Since cat food costs a lot, I can't afford to keep them for very
long. What should I do with the kittens?
Cat Person
Dear Cat Person,
Every year thousands of cats are let loose by people who
can't find homes for them. The cats roam the streets, eat out of
garbage cans and grow to hate all people. The kindest thing you
can do is to have them put to sleep.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
I just found out my dog had a bunch of puppies hidden behind
the woodshed. They're cute as the dickens, but I can't take care
of them anymore. What should I do?
Dog Person
Dear Dog Person,
As you probably know, there are millions of dogs in this
country. But what the heck -- a few more wouldn't hurt. If you
can't find friends to take them, don't worry. You'll be able to
give them away to strangers. Everyone loves dogs.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
My son has almost never called or written to me since he
moved out of the house a few years ago. Is it too much to ask
him to pick up a phone after I slaved for eighteen years to
provide a home for him? Not to mention the pain I went through
to have him in the first place. Should I forgive this ingrate of
a son or just write him out of the will?
Perturbed Parent
Dear Mom,
Stop exaggerating. I called you only last week to tell you
I'd be over there for dinner tomorrow night.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
Everyone blames me whenever there's a disaster. They throw
up their hands and say "It's an act of God." But when I DO
occasionally influence mortal events, such as helping the Green
Bay Packers win a game, no one mentions me. What can I do?
The Big Guy in the Sky
P.S. Being omniscient, I already know your answer. Thanks for
the advice -- I'll consider it.
Dear Big Guy,
All I was going to suggest is that you work a spectacular
ASK UNCLE FUNGUS/Reitci Page 5
miracle or two, like parting the Red Sea again or getting the
Packers in next year's Super Bowl. Now THAT would make a
believer out of anyone.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
Why do fools fall in love?
Wondering Donna
Dear Donna,
I don't know. Who left the cake in the rain?
Dear Uncle Fungus,
Do I exist or am I imagining that I exist? Last night I
dreamed I was a butterfly. Was I a man dreaming I was a
butterfly, or am I now a butterfly dreaming I am a man? If a
tree falls alone in a forest, does the rabbit it lands on scream?
Please help me. If I don't exist, then who will feed my dog?
1st Semester Philosopher
Dear Philosopher,
It's strange, but when I tried to double-check your letter
against this column, I couldn't find it. Then I called the phone
number you gave me and I got a recording which said the number
wasn't in service. So I guess you don't really exist. Sorry.
But don't worry about your dog. I added him to your letter to
make it more interesting.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
I have a serious drug problem. Can I declare it on my
income tax as a dependency?
Drug Taking Guy
Dear Guy,
Only if you live in California.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
At work I made friends with a married woman. Sometimes
after work we go to a bar just to talk for a while. It's
perfectly innocent. The problem is that some of our co-workers
think we're having an affair. As much as I appreciate the
reputation, I think I should set the record straight. How can I
convince them that it's not true?
Not My Real Name
Dear Not,
I wouldn't worry about it too much if I were you. Your main
problem is that you've been telling people you WEREN'T having an
ASK UNCLE FUNGUS/Reitci Page 6
affair. If you start bragging that you're having one, no one
will believe you. So ask yourself which is worse -- being called
an adulterer or a liar. I know which one I'd pick.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
I'm a college student. In my Journalism Workshop, my
instructor said she was bringing teaching AIDS to class next
week. Am I in danger of catching it? Is it any different from
regular AIDS? I don't know if I should drop the class or not.
Please hurry with your answer. We get the teaching AIDS next
Wednesday.
Embryonic Reporter
Dear Reporter,
You don't have to worry. I can tell from your letter that a
person like you could never be at all affected by any kind of
teaching AIDS. But I do think it be a good idea if you changed
your major to Physical Education. Just to be sure.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
I've read your column since it first started, and I've
really been impressed by your wisdom. The reason I'm writing is
that I'm getting married soon and I really want it to work. Is
there any advice you can give me?
Expectant Groom
Dear Groom,
First, hide a gift somewhere in the house -- jewelry is
good. If you ever forget a birthday or anniversary you won't
have to run out at the last minute. Second, don't "talk out"
everything. The best way to destroy a marriage is by telling
your wife everything. Third, avoid answering the question "How
much do you love me?" There's no right way to answer it, and the
penalty is death.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
A friend called me liberal yesterday. I looked liberal up
in the dictionary and it said the word means "abundant or ample."
What did my friend mean? I'm not fat, and I'm not as ample as
some of the women I've seen on campus. I just don't get it.
Wondering Wendy
Dear Wendy,
Are you busy Saturday night?
Dear Uncle Fungus,
I've lived under the shadow of a famous ancestor for years.
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All my life my parents have been trying to get me to be more like
him. I'm afraid that if I tell my Dad I want to be a florist
he'll kick me out of the house. I just don't know what to do.
Attila the Guy
Dear Guy,
Tell your father that you're moving in with a guy named Rex
and that you want to be a ballet dancer. Wait two weeks and tell
him your new girlfriend changed your mind, and that now you want
to be a florist. He'll be so relieved he'll stop trying to
change you.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
I heard the other day that men are like wine. With age,
they get even better. Is this true?
Inquisitorial
Dear Whatever,
No, it isn't. Men are more like cheese -- with age, they
get wrinkled and smelly.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
You might remember me from my letter at the beginning of the
semester. I wanted to help the homeless and stop hunger and
crime. Well, I've just finished my midterms and I don't care
about that stuff anymore. All I want is a good grade point
average and a decent night's sleep. Is this normal?
Ex-Helpful Hank
Dear Ex-Helpful,
You're finally adjusting to college. Enjoy it while you
can. Real life is even worse.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
My roommate has a collection of fake rubber knives. He
likes to throw them at me when I'm watching television. He
thinks it's a big joke and laughs when I jump. Should I get a
new roommate?
Roommate Hater
Dear Roommate,
Replace his rubber knives with real ones. That'll teach
him.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
An old girlfriend of mine recently said she wanted to get
back together with me. If she had asked me two months ago, I
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would have said yes. But now things have changed. I'm going out
with a new girlfriend who really enjoys being with me. What
should I do?
Bewildered Guy
Dear Guy,
Why do you assume that getting back together with your old
girlfriend means you have to break up with the new one? This
isn't the fifties. Rent the movie "Captain's Paradise" and see
your old girlfriend. You may regret it, but you won't forget it.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
I'm really confused. Am I a member of the Coffee Generation
or the Pepsi Generation? Who were the Lost Generation? Where
did they go? How long is a generation? Where is the Generation
Gap and how wide is it? Please hurry. I have to write a paper
on it for my night class.
Someone Else
Dear Someone Else,
Until the first year of college you belong to the Pepsi
Generation. After that you're a member of the Coffee Generation.
If we knew where the Lost Generation was, they wouldn't be lost.
Maybe they tried to cross the Generation Gap and fell in.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
My job requires a special ability, one which ordinary people
don't have. I commune with God and tell the people what His
policy is on certain controversial subjects.
Well, the last time I tried to talk to the Big Guy, I
couldn't get through. I found out later that He was busy with a
TV evangelist at the time. What can I do to stop this from
happening again? I was able to cover myself, but if it happens
again I may have to make up something.
John Paul II
Dear John,
Tell God about call-waiting. Then you'll still get through
when some jerk is bending the Big Guy's ear.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
What can someone do when they're a victim of sexual
harassment? My boss came up to me while I was counting the day's
receipts, pinched me and said I'd get a raise if we went to bed
together. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that if I refuse,
she'll fire me.
Working Guy
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Dear Guy,
What are you complaining about? Go for it. Just think of
the raise as an extra bit of good luck.
Dear Uncle Fungus,
My roommate died yesterday. Paula and I were at a party in
our college dormitory when she looked down at her glass and
gasped. Then she went to the window, opened it as far as she
could and plunged screaming to her death. We rushed to the
window, and on the ledge was a ten dollar bill. What do I tell
all of her friends when they ask why they don't see her any more?
Paula's Roommate
Dear Roommate,
Just tell them she dropped out of school.